I can't even touch her, I can only watch her turn into a scene in my memories. After a long time, the early morning air washes my lungs, my throat is cold and uncomfortable...

Maybe I need to start all over again, quietly open a small account to write a simple work that is just for comfort, purposefully refine the plot, practice skills, and regain the confidence of the writer?

At this moment, I am asking myself this.

…

It's 5:01 a.m. now.

This chapter stopped for two days.

I paused it two days ago to save the document and before going to bed, I thought I would explain more later.

But I woke up early this morning and had insomnia. I turned on the light and read a novel for a while. I was lost in thought from time to time. Then I put on my shoes hesitantly and went back to the computer. I decided to write this chapter in one go. I will not say the pretentious words I expected.

, everyone must feel like a mother-in-law when they see this, well, I am always like this, always worried that others will be dissatisfied with me, and easily pessimistic.

Even I started to dislike myself.

Let me think about it, what else do I need to explain?

By the way, there's something I haven't told everyone.

In May and June this year, Xiaorong had a semi-failed relationship.

Yes, love. Also, yes, failure.

Well, 'one and a half' is a typo.

In April, May, and June, there seemed to be a period of time when the updates suddenly stabilized. I was working hard to code for the person I was in love with. I was very motivated at that time, but later on, I broke up and became more and more frustrated.

Now that three months have passed, I can almost look back with a calm mood and give you an impartial review:

Why is it 'a half-time', because it started out as a 'half-time'... well, it didn't even start.

It was in March, when I was returning home from school, my old classmates invited me to stay for three days while passing through Nanchang.

I was joking with an old classmate and asked her to introduce me to a best friend... I didn't expect that she actually brought one! They went to the station to pick me up together. They all regret it now. They were dressed too casually and didn't have their hair done right.

hateful.

As I write this, I can't help but giggle.

That girl is very simple. If you look closely, she is not a beauty under the gaze of the mainstream society, and she is not as beautiful as the female Bodhisattvas on the Internet. But when she smiles, it really kills me.

Good brothers, I really can't bear it. From the first time I met her, I couldn't help but glance at her with my peripheral vision. I thanked the old classmate in the middle a million times. It's not a loss.

Old classmate, I will send you mooncakes during the Mid-Autumn Festival! How loyal!

Then, of course, the silly 'peacock spreads his tail' and can't help but 'malely show off'.

And then.

Then it was gone.

Go home, everything is over.

It’s actually hard for me to summarize the specific reasons. Only looking back now can I realize many details in hindsight:

In fact, she must have been impatient with my impression and had some affection for me, but... I wasn't sure. I still missed it and fell into the novice's disease of falling in love.

Now I look back at the little poem I wrote when I left, and I feel a little embarrassed...

This was the 'half-time' defined as forced respect, and there was another one after that, which took place in May. I actually met the other party online at the end of March, and it was also a period of feeling sad and lost after bidding farewell to the girl in Nanchang who loved to laugh.

The relationship was confirmed in May and ended in mid-June. By the way, this was basically an online relationship. I saw one person throughout the whole process, but I didn’t know what the other person looked like... Let’s all laugh a little.

Okay, okay, just laugh, I don’t care about you. (I’m laughing too)

Specifically, I still don’t want to write it down here. In fact, I don’t care anymore, but it’s a bit embarrassing and hard to talk about.

Because although it was only less than two months, this was the first relationship that was confirmed. Even if it was an online relationship, I still devoted myself very seriously. Just like the flow state mentioned above, I finally fell in love.

It’s too much, whether it’s spiritual or material or financial.

In the end, it is all in vain, and both people and money are lost... In fact, it cannot be said that the act of loving someone has a price, but does loneliness have no price? There is always a cost to pay. And there is a strong value in love.

Feelings and happiness are indeed very magical and difficult to measure with value. When I was passionately in love, I was indeed very happy and happy. Although I was moved by myself and the dopamine diffused in the body fluid deceived the neuroepithelium, at least it was a short-lived experience.

Although looking back now, the material price paid for this love brain is indeed very expensive, just like an old friend curled his lips and cursed after hearing this: You might as well find a fucking person, and you can still touch a real person.

Well scolded, I deserve it.

I won't be so naive anymore.

I will never do those childish things again.

In fact, when I graduated in early June, I packed all my luggage and sent it home. I carried the bag alone and bought a bus ticket and rushed to Fuzhou. I was really happy and happy. At that time, I felt that the future after graduation was not at all confused...

…I don’t feel as tired and cold as I felt when I sat in front of the computer and typed out these words.

And when I look back now, I still stubbornly believe that during that month and a half, both of us were serious. Although when we finally broke up, I found out that she had been lying to me about something, using one lie to cover up another lie, but I was more

I thought it was due to her personality, such as being too lavish in spending money. It wasn't that she wasn't serious about me. It was just that after seeing these things clearly, she... disappointed me so much.

But thankfully, I have thoroughly seen the true nature of this relationship.

So after this failed relationship ended, I was depressed for two months. I went out and wandered around, and Sword Girl’s updates became increasingly weak, even to the point of being updated once every seven days.

Because, for many brothers, Sword Girl is the most important emotional line, and during that period, Xiaorong was in a period of emotional boredom after a broken love. It was really difficult for him to write, and he subconsciously avoided writing.

Qingjun, Xiaoxiao, Qian'er, I don't know how to see them, and I don't dare to let them appear, let alone write a sweet daily life.

It's ironic that an Internet writer who writes ideal love plots for book lovers ended up having a failed love relationship on the Internet. It's a textbook example of that. It's true.

The gap between ideal and reality, the boundary between fantasy and reality, you have to like specific people, not imaginary people.

Everyone should take warning from these.

Finally, let’s take another look.

I have been busy with my relationship for more than half a year, but actually I am not empty-handed and left with nothing.

I dare to look at beautiful girls on the street.

I know how to treat feelings correctly instead of giving in blindly.

Now that I know what kind of girl I like, I will no longer be selective and deceive my intuition when I meet a girl and mistake her for true love.

Ahem, I also know how to get along with girls in love, and future texts can more realistically shape the love heroine and daily relationship life.

In life, everything that does not defeat a writer will eventually turn into nutrients to make him stronger! More profound!

I have met some book friends who often ask me: Can Xiaorong not think too much about these things and just focus on coding for book friends who like books?

What I want to say is that I really tried this seriously and failed.

Because this direction, although on the surface there is nothing wrong with it and it is very heartwarming, its intention itself is wrong!

No creator can entertain the thought of coding ‘for the sake of the audience’.

After thinking about it carefully, this idea is extremely disgusting.

Take myself as an example. For a period of time last year, I just listened to these words and insisted on writing 4,000 words a day with the idea of ​​​​coding for book friends. Correspondingly, I posted one word each time

Chapter, I can’t help but read book reviews. Once I see encouraging book reviews, it’s like getting a shot of blood. But once I see negative book reviews, even if they point out my recent bad reviews, I will feel happy after reading them.

Somewhat uncomfortable.

Then this discomfort gradually accumulates, and one day when I see a negative comment that hits a painful point, it will immediately ignite and my mentality will explode.

After my mentality exploded, I would think: I am obviously coding for my brothers, why don't you understand my difficulties? Why don't you be tolerant of me? I am coding for everyone, and I am dedicated!

Have you found the problem?

A writer who cherishes the concept of "creating for others" will immediately find excuses for any of his mistakes, resent the critics among readers, and always complain that readers do not understand him: he is dedicated to coding for everyone.

, is self-sacrifice and should not be wronged or misunderstood.

"Creating for others", once you have this dirty concept of giving away, if something goes wrong, the writer will blame the mistake on the reader, and what will follow will be ruined, or deliberately poisoned, and self-destruction will follow.

It seems to hurt the readers.

This kind of resentment is not what an artistic creator should have.

Because an artistic creator himself makes mistakes for mankind, voluntarily, even willingly, and for glory.

Because as long as it is a work in the field of art, there is an eternal paradox: even a master can never create a perfect work of art!

Because as long as it is art, in the eyes of thousands of people, it will be judged from thousands of angles. It cannot be perfect, and there will always be people who dislike it from a certain angle.

What makes a work of art have eternal artistic value is not its perfect advantages, but the peculiar "direction" it shows, which is talked about by the audience and even triggers controversy.

This peculiar direction may be wrong, but this kind of trial and error by art creators promotes the progress of art and eliminates a less correct option for "perfect art" itself, taking it a step further.

From this perspective, a creator’s mission is definitely not to create for the public, but to ‘make mistakes’ extremely seriously.

So does this mean that creators will feel nihility and absurdity and dampen their enthusiasm because they realize the "useless effort" of their own trials and errors?

No.

For every true creator, he has made no mistakes. He is creating the most perfect work in his eyes. The most perfect work of art does not exist objectively, but in the eyes of the creator, his next work will always be the most perfect work.

Perfect art!
To be continued...